I’ve been a wedding cynic for far too long

I've been a wedding cynic for far too long

Now and then it’s nice to dress up a bit fancy; normally I don’t even wear shoes. Normally I don’t even wear pants. But my brother was getting married so I went all-out: shoes, pants AND a belt.I wore my best suit: a baggy brown-checked combo that I bought at a closing-down suit sale and makes me look like a sad vaudevillian who’s about to get yanked offstage by a hook. I matched it with a white pleated shirt; every pleat just creases from really bad ironing.
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As I ate and drank and arthritic-cowboy-danced the night away, I realised I’d been a wedding-cynic for way too long. Photo: Stocksy Topped it off with a thick red tie that hung inappropriately over my crotch like flattened genital roadkill. Then popped on a pair of black shoes, accidentally putting my orthotic inserts in the wrong shoe, giving me a sexy “arthritic old cowboy” swagger. Man, I came up a treat: a dapper chappy, looking damn snappy.My brother was marrying his lovely life-partner, a beautiful and charming woman, so it was great to see him following the Katz-male tradition of batting way out of his league .Us Katz-males have no idea how we attract such amazing women: we’d like to think it’s our sexual prowess that draws them in. But then we think, no, it must be our money. But then we think no, we must just have a gift for finding really good-looking and super-smart under-achievers.The wedding was delightful: a cross-cultural blend of the groom’s Jewish heritage and the bride’s Filipino background so at times it was like Hawaiian Theme-Night at a rabbinical convention. There was a ukulele wedding-march, a traditional chuppah-canopy, a Filipino candle-lighting ceremony, a Jewish wineglass-smashing ritual, and the bride wore a stunning headpiece of tropical purple flowers while the groom wore a stunning face-piece of Semitic regrowth-stubble.

Personally I think they should have gone more cross-cultural: I was hoping for Israeli hora-dancing while a DJ played Lea Salonga show tunes from Miss Saigon. And for canapés, platters of smoked salmon bagels, deep-fried, with a spicy adobo dipping sauce.As I ate and drank and arthritic-cowboy-danced the night away, I realised …